UKIP IF YOU WANT TO, THE LADY’S NOT FOR KIPPING

Did you see that UKIP, Mr Farage’s political party, is giving the three traditional parties bellyache? Good for him. I hope it goes beyond that and develops into really pressing problems. Maybe it will be catching and have them hurtling in groups to the throne rooms. Maybe it would bring a completely new connotation to the term ‘Running Mate’. Enough said! Mr Farage has hit on a bold plan: worthwhile degrees will be free, others will be charged. His hit list is extensive: sociology; media studies; homophobic studies; green & vegetable studies, travel and tourism studies and others.

I know a professor of Travel and Tourism at a well-known university who is in a state of panic because he or she had intended to vote UKIP. You may deduce that I am a modern-day, politically correct individual because I have not seen fit to reveal the professor’s gender. Not at all, despite scrutinising the said professor from afar (I must add), I haven’t been able to ascribe to him or her a gender category, but I believe ‘it’ might be an hermaphrodite.

The good professor has landed a research contract from a well-known conglomerate in the leisure industry, no, not the jobseekers’ alliance, but the sector of the industry that provides holidays in the sun for the masses, but, being a global organisation run by non-Catholics they cater for atheists and other religions too. The only criterion important to them is your ability to pay.

The professor and his/her flock have been analysing the future options for this hospitality giant, whose hotels include some of those tucked-away paragons favoured by film stars and footballers and considered ‘Exclusive’. This is a shorthand term for, ‘We do not admit riff-raff,’ (unless the riff-raff in question have pots of money, provided by other riff-raff that spend their hard-earned, or hard queued-for, cash on watching the sort of thing these elite riff-raff provide). Our Multi-national conglomerate (the management isn’t multi-national, of course, but appear to be) decided some years ago, to expand its service to include what they generously term, ‘Ordinary folk with a limited budget and simple (meaning little) taste’.

You will almost certainly have heard the expression they coined for this now ubiquitous experience; you may even (on somebody else’s say-so, of course) yourself have experienced this service, known as ‘All Inclusive’, which accounts for 37.386% of all vacations, we are told. Determined to stay ahead of the game in the face of very stiff competition from the Bordello Industry, they commissioned the professor to determine the shape of their industry in the future.

I have been privileged to have had a sneak preview of the efforts of the professor’s research assistants, all nine of whom will, without question or even viva voce, be awarded  their PhD’s next year and job’s with…anyway, back to the preview. The following are the new terms we shall be hearing about, should Nigel and Co fail to win the UK General Election. Shortly afterwards travel agents will be trying to convince us that they offer us an experience we can’t live without, except perhaps the penultimate one:

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• All-Occlusive: for those that are prone to every bug going, with en-suite doctor.
• All-Reclusive: for those that choose not to go out, or even know there is a world outside.
• All-Intrusive: Resort offers 24hr relayed loud music/soaps, tattoo/piercing service, fast food delivered to your lap and noisy neighbours.
• All-Seclusive: for those that want to see nobody else, complete with en-suite pool.
• All-Conclusive: for those that want to die peacefully, but not in chilly Switzerland.
• All-Preclusive: for those that don’t want to run the risk of meeting anyone they might know.

The professor has surveyed a cross-section of people to find out which of the above services they might be interested in, so that a report may be sent to those that would invest others’ hard-earned cash in the new ventures. 7,362 close relatives of potential users have recorded just one question thus far: ‘Is there a special Terminal for the departing All-Conclusives at Heathrow?’ Only one respondent has asked about possible returns.

I hope that you will be able to furnish other questions about the services for forwarding to the professor, but please do not delay, Nigel (not Theresa) may win the day.

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